Matrescence

The term Matrescence was originally coined by the anthropologist Dana Raphael, P.h.D, in the 1970s. She described Matrescence as a critical transition period that can have an impact on many areas of a woman’s life, and which needed more study.

Six decades later, thanks to the work of Dr. Aurelie Athan and other advocates driving change, we are finally beginning to see more research and accessible information on what Matrescence looks and feels like, as well as the neurobiological changes that occur.

For me, becoming a mother was a shock to the system. From the early days through to the present moment, I feel like I’m not only learning how to be a mother, but I am learning who I am all over again.

Moving through Matrescence

Whilst every mother’s experience of Matrescence is different, there are common patterns, challenges, and themes that come up for many of us. Here are some of the areas in which I can hold space for you:

Early days

The gap between our expectations of motherhood and the reality of our daily experiences can be enormous. Caring for a new life 24-7 and finding ourselves frequently alone in the new role can be overwhelming.  Our bodies and brains have changed, our relationships may have changed, in fact, our entire value system may have changed. We often can’t control when we sleep or eat, and it can be hard to take care of ourselves and our basic needs, because our attention is focused on the baby.

That’s why when I sit with mothers who didn’t have the support they so deeply needed in the early days of motherhood, or who experience shock at how much has changed, I know exactly how disorientating that can feel. I hold space for mothers to process the complexity of what they have experienced.

Post-Partum

Many mothers I work with, myself included, felt lost in the early post-partum period. I personally wondered where the “instincts” were that I was told I should trust, and judged myself harshly, believing that I was not doing as well as other mums. It is also common for mothers to take on the majority of the mental and emotional load during this time, potentially without even realising it, as we know our baby’s routine and needs, and often manage early appointments and household chores. This can affect our patience, energy, well-being, and even our relationship. 

That’s why when I sit with mothers who have ever doubted themselves, I connect deeply with feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty. For mothers who feel burdened by the mental load, or who feel their relationship is completely different now, I hold space to grieve this, without the need for immediate solutions.

Return to Work 

As the return to work draws closer, many of us experience grief about the prospect of putting our children into daycare, as well as possibly a little excitement that we might have some stimulation for our brains, an uninterrupted conversation, and a warm drink or two. This feeling of being torn is very normal, and when we try to balance work and mothering, we can feel split in two. For those whose babies are not yet “sleeping through the night”, the reality of showing up at the office (or laptop) on such little sleep can be exhausting.

That’s why when I sit with mothers who are questioning how to balance the new version of themselves with the old ambitious version they used to be, I know exactly what they’re going through and how they feel torn. I hold space for mothers to honour the old and the new, and together, we find a way.

Workplace barriers

For many mothers, the return to work does not go as smoothly as they had hoped. In some unfortunate cases, mothers can come up against unexpected judgement, lack of flexibility, or barriers to progression. Being abroad can add yet more complexity for those who are trying to reestablish or reshape their careers whilst raising children. For those of us who experience workplace challenges, the effect on our self-esteem, as well as our earnings and financial independence, is often significant. We can feel we are “failing” on all fronts: not making progress in our careers, or not being with our children enough.

That’s why when I sit with mothers who are reevaluating their relationship with work, leaving their jobs, or struggling to find work-life balance, I know how it feels to “fall short” in both areas and to feel the impact of “the motherhood penalty”. I hold space for mothers to reflect on what truly works for them.

Burn-out

Many mothers lose a sense of their own needs and boundaries and find themselves prioritising others during early motherhood, which can lead to burn-out. It is common to feel disconnected from our own wants and desires, as our bodies go through huge changes without time for rest… never mind pursuing our own interests. I personally felt lost somewhere between the “old me” and a new version, and became very low. I missed aspects of my old life and the independence that came with it, but didn’t want to go back.

That’s why when I sit with mothers who have experienced depression, anxiety, or burnout, I know that this is not related to their worth or their ability to mother their children. I hold space for mothers to reflect on their needs, boundaries, and how to communicate them.

Transformation  

New mothers are often aware that they are going through something life-changing, but may not yet have the words to describe it. So many of the mothers I work with hold a deep sense that something needs to shift in their lives, especially as they begin to better understand their Matrescence and how they have changed. Talking honestly about our experience of becoming a mother with others can be the very first step towards processing, healing, and transformation.

That’s why when I sit with mothers who feel like something monumental has changed within them and that they will never be the same again, I know it can be both exciting and scary. I hold space for mothers to work out what the next chapter looks like for them, so they can emerge confidently into this new phase of life.